Hobo Reading Group

Hobo's don't have much money to travel, that's why we ride the rails. But the best way to travel, especially during the feakishly cold months when all you want to do is warm your hands over a nice oil drum fire in a back alley is to read about travel. That's why I choose Drink, Play, F@#K by Andrew Gottlieb as the first Hobo Reading Group book pick. Its got everything you need to escape the humdrum dark cold days of winter. Drinking to excess in Ireland, gambling for fun in Vegas, looking for sex in Thailand and finding true love all served up with a healthy dose of humor and some valuable life lessons like "pace yourself" . It reads like a hilarious memoir playing off the well known Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert down to the jacket art. If you look closely you'll notice that "Drink" is spelled out of bottle caps, "Play" out of poker chips and "F@#k" out of condoms. Brilliant.

Tips for Hobo Living #683:

Deli napkins are Nature's kleenex.

Creative Employment Part Two: Pimp Your Pad

We live in one of the hottest tourist destinations on the planet where hotels start at 225 a night. Why not turn your pad into a B&B (Bed and Bagel) on the weekends for unsuspecting tourists and undercut the market by offering it for 150 a night? All hobos have friends with couches, or a hobo lover they can shack up with for the weekend while the rubes enjoy the comforts of your shack. Just make sure they pay up front in cash, and leave a credit card deposit in case they make off with your Victrola.

Cheap Drunk - #1

Welcome To Cheap Drunk, a new ongoing and frankly, long overdue, feature here at the BHT, where all of our contributers will sound off on that most essential aspect of the Hobo lifestyle... how to dull the pain with alcohol.

With Cheap Drunk we'll deal with various economically-viable sources of alcohol, tips on who has the best Brooklyn happy hours and specials, where to find discount liquor stores, booze and drink reviews, and various other aspects of the fine art of getting tanked.

Today my Hobo Stroll took me in search of supplies for my shack. I'd earned a couple of bucks as a participant in a focus group last night and was flush with coin. Remember, when you do manage to get paid for something this is the optimal time to go buy something in bulk. Everything is cheaper and it's rare that you'll have enough money to take advantage of the concept. Strike while the iron is hot! But I digress.

I needed to obtain representatives of the three staples of drinking: Booze, Wine and Beer. In this venture as in future editions of Cheap Drunk, I was looking for the three standards: Philadelphia Whiskey ("It's Not That bad") in the big-ass size, a Large 1.5 litre bottle of red wine, and a six pack of cheap beer (fyi Coors is NEVER an option)

Today's destination was the discount liquor store inside the Pathmark down by the Lowes Home Center. I don't even know what you'd call this neighborhood... Google charitably calls it Park Slope, The official Pathmark website refers to this as the "Gowanus Pathmark". Do those word even make sense? Am I marking the Gowanus Path ? But I digress again...

Anyways. This rather depressing little shopping center is actually worth the stroll, as this litle known liquor store is chock full of reasonably priced (for New York) Alcohlic goodies.

Big Ass Philadelphia= $15.56
Big Red Wine ( Frontera Cabernet/ Merlot= $6.49

In my excitement I neglected to visit the Pathmark itself for beer. So on the way shackward I swung by the 9th Street Steve's C-Townon the Park Slope border for a 6 pack of Natural Ice, forgoing the 12pack in favor of eating.

Natural Ice 6pack= $3.59 + 30¢ can deposit
Natural Ice 12pack= $7.19 + 60¢ can deposit

Hobo Healthcare

Tis the season to get the cold or flu, and if you're like me, you are lacking healthcare. The solution? Your credit card, the local Duane Reade and health food store. We all know the answer to any cold/flu is lots of fluids and lots of sleep and I've discovered that Nyquil is the next best thing to Bear DNA. After 24 hrs of heavy doses of Herbal Yogi Teas like Throat Coat and Echinachea, as well as over the counter remedies like Theraflu, Zicam and Nyquil i slept and sweated the whole thing out in 4 hr increments. Wake up? Take another shot of Nyquil and sleep away that pesky cold. Any other ailments? Well that's what your Hobo Network (Hobonet) is for. Your Hobonet is your goto resource for diagnosis and cures as someone within that group has come down with a similar ailment and might at one time had the prescription drugs to deal with it and might have some left over. The only side effect is the damn insomnia that follows 24 hrs of sleep.

Manhattan Hobos Are Kicking Our Butts

They've done it. Those uppity City hobos have gotten the better of us yet again. If you can afford the subway fare into Manahttan, stroll by Madison Square Park and take a gander. Oh, sure, the sign claims it's "art" by "Tadashi Kawamata," but you can't fool us: these are Luxury Hobo Condos, complete with easy subway access and park views. They're sitting up there with their ramen noodles and stolen wi-fi laughing at us.

Let's step it up, Brooklyn. There's plenty of room in the back of the refrigerator box for a gym and laundry room; park it next to the Gowanus and you've got instant waterfront real estate. We need to show those snotty Manhattan bastards what we're made of.

Hobos, not bums.

Look, as a recently Hoboized American you do have to face some harsh truths about your new lowered status in society. A lot of pride will have to be thrown away if you want to survive, but you don't have to give away all of it. It's true that you're a Hobo now, but take heart in the fact that at least you're not a bum.

What's the difference,? Well bums are smelly and useless and just sit around on the streets all day. why do you think they call them bums? -Always sitting around on them.

You my friend are not a bum. You're a Hobo. you're not useless, you provide people with nifty harmonica music, and tales of the open road. You add "local color" to your neighborhood. Heck, you don't even smell, you clean yourself with economy brand soap.

Remember, you're not living on the street. You're just taking a leisurely stroll between locales.