Cheap Drunk #3: The Flask is your friend

Its unavoidable that you'll have to occasionally hit a bar with your buds and aside from making sure that there is a convenient happy hour, the other thing you can do to ensure you get a healthy buzz on without emptying your wallet is to bring a flask. Now, as an occasional bartender I must frown on drinking your own hooch at any establishment, but as a hobo, your funds are tight and its not like you'll be laying down 8 bucks for a shot of whiskey anyways so it is acceptable as long as you are buying a pint of beer and tipping well.
As Doc pointed out, 1.5 liters of Philadelphia whiskey is just shy of 16 bucks. That's a lot of booze for what would have cost ya for only two shots. That's what I like to call bar math.

Cheap Drunk #2: Ghetto Chard

New Year's Eve is a time for revelry, and consumption of mass quantities. As a hobo you can't exactly afford to go on a bender at the local bar, but you can appear to be mr money bags when you show up with 3 bottles of Tisdale Chardonnay at your friend's party. Sterling Grapes and Grains on 5th ave in Park Slope offers up this ghetto chard for the rock bottom price of 10.99 for 3 bottles. At that price, after you've had your first glass, the other 2 and 2/3 bottles are essentially free. Its like being paid to drink! And with the generous offer of 3 bottles of wine that you bring to any party, no one will give you a 2nd glance as you move on to the more expensive booze and champagne.

Tisdale, putting "Tis" in "Tis the Season" for years. I promise, tis not the stuff of hangovers.

Hobo Humor

In these times of distress and panicked financial situations it is important to keep in mind the importance of humor. The economy sucks and god knows no “new jobs” are being invented but you can’t let the idea of never owning a house, or a car, or having to move back to your parents house, or into a cardboard box, let you down. On the happy side you can find free stuff that can even cause laughter. You may have heard this, laughter is good medicine hence good hobo helathcare. One can find various places that provide chuckles at improv theaters as close as a nearby subway ride to the island of Manhattan. Each nite one can witness for a reasonable cost a performance of profound exciting moments of now. Theaters such as Upright Citizens Brigade, The P.I.T. and Magnet Theater can be found in the Manhattan area. Magnet Theater magnetheater.com features $5 improv shows every night except Monday and $1 PBRs on Thursday nites at the bar. There are even free mixer nights Wednesday & Thursday nights if you want to get on the stage with your hoboself. Also free trial classes. Keep your chin up it might feel like the economic world is falling apart and it is, try to keep in mind it is not just for you but for everybody, might as well laugh about it.

Happy Hobomas!

Now that Christmas is over... welcome to Hobomas!

You know about Boxing Day already, when the lower classes who have to work on Christmas get the NEXT day off to spend with their families and some comparatively crappy presents... Hobomas is like that, but with a dash of Hanukah thrown in.

Yes, Hobomas consists of the 6 days between Christmas and New Years. Each day of Hobomas has the potential for bringing a bounty of cast-off gifts and goodies. Hopefully you already started your Hobomas off right by being lucky enough to attend Christmas dinner at some better-off family member or friend's home. Christmas night, or "Hobomas Eve" can be incredibly lucrative: make sure to take your hosts up on every offer to take home some leftovers from the meal, or that present meant for the guest who couldn't make it after all. And if you have your flask handy, don't forget "one more for the road".

For the next six days and nights it's time to make the rounds: Did a diabetic friend receive a gift box of chocolate? Was your tea totaller cousin gifted with a bottle of bourbon? Friends who received sweaters that were not quite their style, favorite gin mills with leftover Xmas themed snacks... these are the rounds to make with a cheerful smile and puppy dog look in your eye.

Don't forget the cornucopia of landfill-bound goodies! Tis the season for people to receive new electronics, and for the older, yet still functioning models, to be cast curbside! Housewares for your shack, old coats replaced by less threadworn ones. Every upgrade results in a downgraded item. Keep your eyes open and your fingers nibble. And now's the perfect time to get a preowned tree for your shanty town digs, pre-tinseled in many cases.

Here's a helpful tip: Try not to aggressively beg or ask, be subtle in your hoboness. If you come on too strong or desperate or irritating you won't be invited into anyone's home or bar next Hobomas. Just strategically manage to be in the right place at the right time you'll have the best Hobomas ever.

Merry Mooching!

Hobo Reading Group

Hobo's don't have much money to travel, that's why we ride the rails. But the best way to travel, especially during the feakishly cold months when all you want to do is warm your hands over a nice oil drum fire in a back alley is to read about travel. That's why I choose Drink, Play, F@#K by Andrew Gottlieb as the first Hobo Reading Group book pick. Its got everything you need to escape the humdrum dark cold days of winter. Drinking to excess in Ireland, gambling for fun in Vegas, looking for sex in Thailand and finding true love all served up with a healthy dose of humor and some valuable life lessons like "pace yourself" . It reads like a hilarious memoir playing off the well known Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert down to the jacket art. If you look closely you'll notice that "Drink" is spelled out of bottle caps, "Play" out of poker chips and "F@#k" out of condoms. Brilliant.

Tips for Hobo Living #683:

Deli napkins are Nature's kleenex.

Creative Employment Part Two: Pimp Your Pad

We live in one of the hottest tourist destinations on the planet where hotels start at 225 a night. Why not turn your pad into a B&B (Bed and Bagel) on the weekends for unsuspecting tourists and undercut the market by offering it for 150 a night? All hobos have friends with couches, or a hobo lover they can shack up with for the weekend while the rubes enjoy the comforts of your shack. Just make sure they pay up front in cash, and leave a credit card deposit in case they make off with your Victrola.

Cheap Drunk - #1

Welcome To Cheap Drunk, a new ongoing and frankly, long overdue, feature here at the BHT, where all of our contributers will sound off on that most essential aspect of the Hobo lifestyle... how to dull the pain with alcohol.

With Cheap Drunk we'll deal with various economically-viable sources of alcohol, tips on who has the best Brooklyn happy hours and specials, where to find discount liquor stores, booze and drink reviews, and various other aspects of the fine art of getting tanked.

Today my Hobo Stroll took me in search of supplies for my shack. I'd earned a couple of bucks as a participant in a focus group last night and was flush with coin. Remember, when you do manage to get paid for something this is the optimal time to go buy something in bulk. Everything is cheaper and it's rare that you'll have enough money to take advantage of the concept. Strike while the iron is hot! But I digress.

I needed to obtain representatives of the three staples of drinking: Booze, Wine and Beer. In this venture as in future editions of Cheap Drunk, I was looking for the three standards: Philadelphia Whiskey ("It's Not That bad") in the big-ass size, a Large 1.5 litre bottle of red wine, and a six pack of cheap beer (fyi Coors is NEVER an option)

Today's destination was the discount liquor store inside the Pathmark down by the Lowes Home Center. I don't even know what you'd call this neighborhood... Google charitably calls it Park Slope, The official Pathmark website refers to this as the "Gowanus Pathmark". Do those word even make sense? Am I marking the Gowanus Path ? But I digress again...

Anyways. This rather depressing little shopping center is actually worth the stroll, as this litle known liquor store is chock full of reasonably priced (for New York) Alcohlic goodies.

Big Ass Philadelphia= $15.56
Big Red Wine ( Frontera Cabernet/ Merlot= $6.49

In my excitement I neglected to visit the Pathmark itself for beer. So on the way shackward I swung by the 9th Street Steve's C-Townon the Park Slope border for a 6 pack of Natural Ice, forgoing the 12pack in favor of eating.

Natural Ice 6pack= $3.59 + 30¢ can deposit
Natural Ice 12pack= $7.19 + 60¢ can deposit

Hobo Healthcare

Tis the season to get the cold or flu, and if you're like me, you are lacking healthcare. The solution? Your credit card, the local Duane Reade and health food store. We all know the answer to any cold/flu is lots of fluids and lots of sleep and I've discovered that Nyquil is the next best thing to Bear DNA. After 24 hrs of heavy doses of Herbal Yogi Teas like Throat Coat and Echinachea, as well as over the counter remedies like Theraflu, Zicam and Nyquil i slept and sweated the whole thing out in 4 hr increments. Wake up? Take another shot of Nyquil and sleep away that pesky cold. Any other ailments? Well that's what your Hobo Network (Hobonet) is for. Your Hobonet is your goto resource for diagnosis and cures as someone within that group has come down with a similar ailment and might at one time had the prescription drugs to deal with it and might have some left over. The only side effect is the damn insomnia that follows 24 hrs of sleep.

Manhattan Hobos Are Kicking Our Butts

They've done it. Those uppity City hobos have gotten the better of us yet again. If you can afford the subway fare into Manahttan, stroll by Madison Square Park and take a gander. Oh, sure, the sign claims it's "art" by "Tadashi Kawamata," but you can't fool us: these are Luxury Hobo Condos, complete with easy subway access and park views. They're sitting up there with their ramen noodles and stolen wi-fi laughing at us.

Let's step it up, Brooklyn. There's plenty of room in the back of the refrigerator box for a gym and laundry room; park it next to the Gowanus and you've got instant waterfront real estate. We need to show those snotty Manhattan bastards what we're made of.

Hobos, not bums.

Look, as a recently Hoboized American you do have to face some harsh truths about your new lowered status in society. A lot of pride will have to be thrown away if you want to survive, but you don't have to give away all of it. It's true that you're a Hobo now, but take heart in the fact that at least you're not a bum.

What's the difference,? Well bums are smelly and useless and just sit around on the streets all day. why do you think they call them bums? -Always sitting around on them.

You my friend are not a bum. You're a Hobo. you're not useless, you provide people with nifty harmonica music, and tales of the open road. You add "local color" to your neighborhood. Heck, you don't even smell, you clean yourself with economy brand soap.

Remember, you're not living on the street. You're just taking a leisurely stroll between locales.

Creative Employment Part 1: Pimp Your Pet

The other day I was talking with my fellow hobos about what we could do to earn extra income. When one of them complained of mice in their apartment, I realized I had the best, organic, and safe mouse trap ever: My cat. My cat Bindle has already caught two mice, one roach and a fly in my apartment. So tomorrow, I'm going to post on Craigslist that I have a mouser for hire. The only question is what to charge. Per mouse or per hour. More as this idea develops.

Tips For Your Holiday Letter

Remember when all you had to do was send out a Christmas card? Then people (usually the ones with jobs, families and taking expensive vacations) decided this was the perfect time of year to gloat about their accomplishments and the achievements of their offspring. As if the holidays weren't tough enough, you're going to tell me your son just got accepted to Harvard while I'm applying as a Santa's elf with my bachelor's degree? Fine. I'm going to turn my frown upside down and give myself the best year ever and share it with the world. Remember, instill jealousy with every paragraph. Whatever happened, I just say the opposite did. Here's my letter which I plan to send out via Hobo Mail, aka email because I can't afford frickin' stamps, or cards:

12/13/08

Dear (insert name of acquaintance, loved one, family member or frenemy here);
As you know, I was promoted last February to Director of Publicity. I was really proud of the company for not firing anyone after the big merger and things are looking looking up in this great economy.

Since then, because of my big fat raise, I've been feasting on Kobe Beef, and going to all the most expensive restaurants in the city. If you haven't been to Babo, I highly recommend it, though its tough to get reservations. Fortunately one of my clients is part owner so I go at least once a week.

I also eloped with a multi-millionaire supermodel back in June who did not insist on a pre-nup. I'm sorry we couldn't invite you to the wedding in Bali, but it all happened so fast. Even better news, she is pregnant with triplets which we plan to name Wolfgang, Amadaeus and Mozart. We just bought a beautiful brownstone across from the park here in Brooklyn and I hope you can all make it to our holiday party on December 10th. It will be, as the kids say: "off the hook." P Diddy promised to drop by and sing Kwanza carols.

Despite all this going on in my life, I did manage to complete my dual masters in quantum mechanics and home-ec and graduated from Columbia University. I hope you can make the ceremony on December 12.

Life this year has been extraordinarily good to me and I wish to share that with you by making a donation in your name to the Brooklyn Hobo Times.

Love,
Heidelblerg
(dictated but not read)

The Hobo Holiday Gift Guide

By definition, the Modern Hobo has a relatively short holiday shopping list. Let's face it: family members have long since given up on things like "love" and "emotional support;" and more solvent suburban friends, once charmed and vicariously enriched by your wacky urban artistic lifestyle, no longer even respond to Facebook invitations to your wacky urban artistic events. In short, the less you leave your house, the less the holidays are going to expect of you.

But even the most committed of Modern Hobos faces a certain amount of holiday shopping: the few die-hard "loved ones" who simply must be gifted, fiscal insolvency be damned and God Bless Us, Every One. But before you sell your golden locks or pocket watch or whatever the hell else was in that stupid story, head to your local dollar store.

The Brooklyn dollar store is a wonderland of holiday treasures to the non-New Yorker. Look for items featuring recognizable trademarked characters with different names ("Arachnid Man," for example, or any 12" fashion doll named Migi, Lolla, or Lin Su); products with indefinable mascots (is that an elephant, a butterfly, or a roll of paper towels?); or anything in a foreign language or combination of languages (bonus for illiterate translations: "Happiness photo album for lovely of friend!"). While an apartment full of crappy knock-off junk that smells like petroleum simply reinforces your own feelings of helplessness and desperation, to the gainfully employed Midwestern cousin these things are charming and funky and prove just how wacky, urban and artistic we really are.

Two final notes. First: when heading out for your hobo holiday shopping trip, keep in mind that there is no single item in the dollar store that actually costs a dollar; plan accordingly. And second: under no circumstances should you attempt to pass off dollar store crap to your New York friends.

It just makes you look like a cheap bastard.

Keep Your Eyes Open

One of the best parts of the Hobo Buddy System (HBS)is getting out of the house. In your house, you can only search the couch so many times for loose change. However, out in the world, there is loose change everywhere. It just takes a keen eye to discover these shiny tokens of commerce. Yesterday I went for a birthday slice with Doc and found a quarter on the floor under a table. JOY! Later, while walking to Doc's birthday happy hour, thinking about putting the tab on my credit card, I found a soggy crumpled-up twenty dollar bill on the ground. Even better, when I unrolled it, I found a five dollar bill inside.

And as for all that spare change, never use the Coinstar machine at the supermarket. They take almost 10% of your hard found coinage. Instead go to TD Bank where you can get your money counted for free.

The BHT Champions Cyber Panhandling

Doc and I seriously contemplated panhandling on the street. Yes, that's how desperate times have become. However, we're lazy and its cold out there and the thought of asking for something without providing anything in return just doesn't jive with these Brooklyn Hobos. However, you might notice the donate button on the upper right hand corner of the screen. If you like what you read here, feel free to toss us a dime, quarter or if you're gainfully employed, how about a C note to help keep the BHT going and us in our apartments before the gas gets turned off.

The Buddy System

Okay everyone , have you picked your Hobo Buddy?
We've already talked a bit about the psychological burdens of being a nouveau hobo, or nouveaubo- and that it's going to be a long hard journey of bad vibes and negative emotions. Which is why it's so important to get yourself a Hobo Buddy now.

You'll need a good friend, someone who has know you for a while and is willing to put up with your mood swings and bad days; cause there's going to be an assload of those. Your Hobo Buddy should live within walking distance from your apartment, shantytown, or refrigerator box - a Hobo Buddy you can't afford to meet up with is of no use. And of course your Hobo Buddy will also have to be a freelancer, or recent member of the downsized or unemployed. After all commiseration is what we're after here.

Once you've chosen your Buddy there are many important ways you'll be utilizing this friendship. Try to schedule daily walks or meetups at a favorite bench or early happy hour. With no job to get you out of bed you'll need these little scheduled events and peer support to get your ass out into the sunlight every day- remember, rickets are no fun, and the sunlight may help your crappy crappy attitude. Your daily strolls will also serve as your only form of excersize.

You'll also need a Hobo buddy to bounce all of your get-rich-quick schemes and zaney plans to obtain food off of. A Hobo Buddy can often serve as that sounding board that let's you know which ideas are merely poorly thought out and which ones are leading down the path to insanity.

Your Hobo Buddy is your lifeline and you theirs. it's a sacred trust. You're there to cheer each other up, keep each other going, share bread crusts with, fight off shantytown marauding wolf packs with, bro-hug for warmth and keep each other on the rocky road of sanity. Think of your Hobo Buddy as a reciprocal AA sponsor, but one you can share a flask with.

You Know Things Are Bad When...

The Dow Jones fell again today on news that Merriam Webster Dictionary laid off 20,000 words including most of the 2008 new entries which include: air quotes (you're screwed Paris Hilton), edamame, fanboy, mental health day, mondegreen (n: a word or phrase that results from a mishearing of something said or sung and really not used by myself or anyone i know), pescatarian, subprime (sorry newscasters and Congress), Texas Hold ’em (my sympathies, Vegas) and webinar (the intertubes are shit out of luck on that one). As these words are now downsized and applying for unemployment insurance, if you use them in any conversation, you must make sure they fill out a w-9 form and compensate them accordingly.

In other news, you know things are bad when even the illegal immigrants are returning to Mexico because they can’t find work in the states. That means nobody is hiring anyone to do even the shittiest of jobs. Guess I won't even try to be a migrant worker this spring. Well, at least this solves our border problem. I wonder if Mexico is trying to keep them from returning?

Your Mullet and You

You know what's really expensive? Haircuts. Even a cheap crappy one is going to cost you about $15. $20 after tip. Do you know how much mac & cheese and Natural Ice you can get for that.

By default it's time to grow your long hair back. Nothing extreme, shoulder length I-used-to-be-in-a-failed-band length; as opposed to down to your ass I'm-still-in-a-failing-band length. There's just one problem. Somewhere between your current state of needing a haircut, and your planned state of having hair long enough to be considered long hair...you're going to go through an awkward stage... welcome to Mullettown, Ape Drape City, out-of-work in front, lame party in back.

So here are a few tips to hide your mullet while you wait for your messy long hipster hairstyle to take effect.

• Wear hats & scarves. Since you won't be doing much socializing in your shoebox apartment now that the heat's been turned off, people are only going to encounter you on the street. It's cold out, so tuck that mess of a wig under a stylish watchman's cap or whathaveyou, and hide that back length under a collar accentuating scarf. No one will be the wiser that you're going through that awkward cousin Richie in 1978 stage.

• Grow some sideburns. Nothing makes the mullet-leaning interim hairstyle look more mullet-like than an absence of burns. Growing some chops will balance out the scruffiness and buy you some time.

Once your hair is officially "long" you can now a) keep it that way for additional warmth on those long cold strolls around town.
or b) scan craigslist for people on craigslist offering free haircuts for dudes with long hair. of course then you'll have to revisit the mullet stage again in spring when it'ss be harder to explain your hat and scarf.

Hobo Psychology

One of the things we'll be dealing with here at The BHT, beside general survival techniques for the recently impoverished, recipes for sub-par meals whipped up with half the budget of a college freshman, and ill-thought out and clearly insane housing schemes, will be the psychology of surviving in the new economy (The Great Recession?)

Look, times are going to be tough, and you're going to have a lot of bad days. You'll be forced to ponder questions like...
How did things get so bad?

Why did I ever quit my first crappy retail job? (dude if I stayed there I'd have a cushy assistant manager job by now)

Liberal Arts!? Really!!?? That's what I thought was a good idea for a major !!!???

What can I do to delay moving back in with Mom & Dad for at least another day?

Will anyone ever have sex with a man with 78¢ in his checking account ?


We at the Brooklyn Hobo Times want you to know that we've got your back. we're here to be a resource... a mental and emotional swiss army knife.

Buck up little camper, it's not that thing's AREN'T that bad, but at least you're not alone.
Hobo Hug

Top Hobo Chef Challenge

So I took yesterday's ingredients and made what I like to call "Hobo Ramen." It's actually not that bad and tastes surprisingly a little like spaghetti carbonara and it breaks down to $1.25 for one meal. Approx 740 calories.

Here's what you need:
2 tbs minced onion
2 oz diced SPAM
2 oz diced Velveeta
1 packet Ramen Noodles (toss out the spice pack)
a handful of green peas (optional, but you should always have frozen peas on hand to add to soups, and use as a cold pack)
salt, pepper, oil.

First, saute your minced onion in some oil (I still have some olive oil left) and a little salt. Once it begins to wilt, toss in the diced SPAM. The key to making SPAM tasty is to add black pepper, and fry it till it becomes nice and crisp little nuggets. While that's going, begin your water for the Ramen. Once the SPAM is nice and crispy, dump it from the pan onto some paper towel to soak up the extra grease. Cook up your Ramen for about 3 minutes, drain, and toss into your skillet with the cheese, peas and SPAM. Stir it up till the Velveeta melts and serve it up in a bowl. Makes one serving. If you want you can add a little milk to thin the sauce a bit.

-bon appetit

SPAM on sale at Park Slope Key Food

Yup, that's right. I bought a 12 oz can of SPAM today ($2.99 marked down from $3.49) along with Velveeta ($2.40), Ramen (5 for $1) and I splurged on a carton of Tropicana Pineapple OJ ($2.99 but not sentenced to jail time) so I don't get the scurvy (cuz nothing's worse than spongy gums). Stay tuned for my recipe. Oh, btw, SPAM now has a convenient easy to open SPAM Single you can buy for $1.29. That's so not cost effective. If I had thought ahead, I would have stolen some of the art exhibits at the SPAM Carving Contest in Seattle back in 1995. My favorite: Interview with a SPAMpire.

Construction To Begin On Hobo Village

With the threat of not being able to make rent, and confronted with the suicidal thought of moving into my parent's basement, I realize there is a way to live dirt cheap in NYC. No, not in the abandoned tunnels (there are way too many Chuds). I say we take a page from history, like Hooverville which was the shanty town in Central Park during the great depression. Though this time, I say we build tree houses. This way we're safe from the wolves.

Where Can I Get My Hands On Some Bear DNA?

My first thought on how to survive the recession was to inject myself with Bear DNA, eat a ton of pizza, then find a nice cave somewhere to hibernate for a few years till things get better and I can actually find a job. However, as Doc pointed out, where would we get the money for all that Pizza?

Hobo Bagel Brunch Launches Blog

Doc and I splurged today at Area Bagels. As usual, even after repeating our order they screwed up and gave us plain cream cheese on our bagels instead of vegetable cream cheese. This led us to lament the lack of good customer service in the world and made us think what could we offer. The answer? Advice. Good advice for starving freelancers and laid off workers like ourselves living hand to mouth and trying to stretch twenty bucks into a week worth of groceries.

So, sit back, relax and learn how to survive.