Saturday, December 13, 2008

Tips For Your Holiday Letter

Remember when all you had to do was send out a Christmas card? Then people (usually the ones with jobs, families and taking expensive vacations) decided this was the perfect time of year to gloat about their accomplishments and the achievements of their offspring. As if the holidays weren't tough enough, you're going to tell me your son just got accepted to Harvard while I'm applying as a Santa's elf with my bachelor's degree? Fine. I'm going to turn my frown upside down and give myself the best year ever and share it with the world. Remember, instill jealousy with every paragraph. Whatever happened, I just say the opposite did. Here's my letter which I plan to send out via Hobo Mail, aka email because I can't afford frickin' stamps, or cards:


Dear (insert name of acquaintance, loved one, family member or frenemy here);
As you know, I was promoted last February to Director of Publicity. I was really proud of the company for not firing anyone after the big merger and things are looking looking up in this great economy.

Since then, because of my big fat raise, I've been feasting on Kobe Beef, and going to all the most expensive restaurants in the city. If you haven't been to Babo, I highly recommend it, though its tough to get reservations. Fortunately one of my clients is part owner so I go at least once a week.

I also eloped with a multi-millionaire supermodel back in June who did not insist on a pre-nup. I'm sorry we couldn't invite you to the wedding in Bali, but it all happened so fast. Even better news, she is pregnant with triplets which we plan to name Wolfgang, Amadaeus and Mozart. We just bought a beautiful brownstone across from the park here in Brooklyn and I hope you can all make it to our holiday party on December 10th. It will be, as the kids say: "off the hook." P Diddy promised to drop by and sing Kwanza carols.

Despite all this going on in my life, I did manage to complete my dual masters in quantum mechanics and home-ec and graduated from Columbia University. I hope you can make the ceremony on December 12.

Life this year has been extraordinarily good to me and I wish to share that with you by making a donation in your name to the Brooklyn Hobo Times.

(dictated but not read)

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